The Grief Eater

My lover and I got to embody our greatest fears in an incredible dark shadow-romp

For the past 3 years, my lover (High Priest) and I have lived by, “Saying the things.” We speak our truth out loud even when it feels risky and we don’t know how it will land.

It has been the most terrifying yet empowering journey of my life. We chose authenticity over being liked. And instead of breaking us, it deepened everything.

Recently, fear creeped in through my wounded parts. I caught myself holding back. I didn’t know if I could say what was rising in me, if he wanted to hear them, or if my words would only add more pressure to a life that was already shifting beneath his feet. The parts of me that craved boundaries an walls begged to rebuild them even after years of systematically dismantling them.

We were in the midst of planning a kinky romp when the idea drifted through my mind like an errant cloud. Before I could second guess myself I fired off the text.

It crossed my mind if there is anything I don’t want to say that you’d like to get out of me...this scene might present that opportunity.

A series of probing questions and negotiations ensued. Over the years, we have shared many scenes, always rooted in consent and safety. The stage was set. For the first time we would be approaching a scene as the parts of us that needed to be seen, rather than characters in a loosely scripted fantasy.

Over the years, many of our roles revealed truths and gave expression to suppressed desires. Those experiences led to self acceptance and growth. But this felt different. Edgier.

And we were ready.

Recently, we embarked on the journey of our lives. A heroic dose of mushrooms without a sitter (do not try this at home). Midway through, I realized we had been preparing for this for at least 10 years. My lover and I moved seamlessly with each other, midwifing what surfaced. Years of trauma and grief cleared out of us, wave after wave, making space for the absolute ecstasy and joy of living.

During that journey, as I moved intense grief, dry heaving with tears, I felt the urge to reassure my lover that I was okay. He met me there with dark glee:

Give it to me, I am the grief eater, give it all to me.

And I did.

He helped me move it, not by holding it in his body but by meeting it, transforming it, and allowing it to pass through. That experience built a deep trust in our ability to hold each other in those spaces. That trust carried into the scene that followed.

From my lover: Let it be known that in the journey, as the grief-eater, I was able to see, love, and accept every part of her. The bid to reassure me was a gesture of the part she was representing, and when I said to her what I did, it was a way of giving both reassurance and encouragement to fully be with what she was experiencing.

Photo by Klara Kulikova on Unsplash

Without getting too deeply into the spicy and potentially triggering details of the scene (for now, stay tuned dark romance readers), we tapped fully into our deepest fears and desires. We embodied the obsessive, possessive, needy, selfish, petty, impatient, angry, broken parts of ourselves.

I heaved real sobs as I spoke my truth. The structure of the scene gifted me the freedom to feel as though I had no choice.

And the result…relief. I said the horrible things. He welcomed them. He didn’t pull away. He didn’t love me any less. The parts of me that screamed for walls and boundaries to be re-erected were sated.

His reflection: “Torturing” the truth from her was delicious, and her willingness to be full-on emotions bared made it the most powerful scene ever. We both got in to touch our greatest fears in a way that we have never before seen, and it brought forth a welling of newness and magic that continues to intensify year after year.

Not everything we carry needs to be fixed. Some things need to be spoken. Some things need to be witnessed. And sometimes, in the presence of someone with the courage to fully witness and be present for our darkest parts, even our monsters can find love and joy.